Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
