You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
