Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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