You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
