He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
