Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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