Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
