So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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