Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Sober January is a disaster.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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