I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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