why didn't you poke me back
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
