i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
