I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
