I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
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