Only a mothe r could love this liver
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
