I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
