i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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