Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
