Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
