I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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