I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
