I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
