pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
