sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
