i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
