Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
