Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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