Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
