he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
