i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
