So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
