Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
