Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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