There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
