Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
