wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
