i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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