Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
