Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
