Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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