Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize