If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
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