Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
