i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
