I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
