grandma shit on top of the toilet
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
did i just pee glitter
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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