So drunk its hurt
thus making me awesome and them whores
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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