Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
