I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Randomize
