No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
