The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
tell me about the eggs
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