I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
