so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
