If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Two words: nipple clamps
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