As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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