I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.  Â
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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