Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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