So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
