I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
